*Intro Music* Tucker: *Groaning* Church: Man, he sounds terrible. Caboose: Yeah, he’s been like that since the swamp. Church: Swamp? You guys were at a swamp? Caboose: Yeah. It was dark and swampy. I WASN’T SCARED AT ALL. Church: Is this why you guys came home so fast? Caboose: No… we came home because the alien died… and because the glowing sword turned out to be a glowing key. Church: Yeah, a glowing key that can still stab people. Caboose: Right. Church: So it is a sword! It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations. Caboose: Or it’s just a key all the time, and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death. Church: Goddamn man, I would love to live in your world for about ten minutes. Caboose: Yeah. I have a really good time. Church: *chuckling* Yeah seems like it. You know, I don’t think I’d get anything done, but I probably wouldn’t care that much. Tucker: *more groaning* Church: Hey Tucker, you okay? Tucker: Why don’t you guys come in here? Church: Uh because it might be contagious and we’ve got to think about the health of the unit as a whole… I came up with that pretty fast. Caboose: And because you threw up ten minutes ago! And that’s just gross! Church: Hey wait a minute, you don’t think that sword… Caboose: You mean the key? Church: No, I mean the sword. You don’t suppose that sword is making him sick, do you? Caboose: I don’t see how, it hasn’t sneezed once. Church: We don’t know anything about it though! Maybe it runs on radiation and it’s poisoning him. Caboose: OR maybe it runs on solar power! Church: Why would solar power make him sick? Caboose: … is he a republican? Simmons: Okay, listen, guys, do you want important information about the war or don’t you? Grif: I don’t know man, this is a pretty exclusive club we got here. If we let one blue guy in, we might have to let the next one in. AND the next one! And then there goes the neighborhood. Donut: Yeah, pretty soon we’ll have to let in women. And who wants them! Grif: Yeah, then we’d be talking about interior decorating and reality TV shows all day. No thanks. Donut: Grif, you kinda ruined my point when you just mentioned the good stuff! Simmons: I’m sure the Blues are using the information right now to plot an attack against us! Tucker: *puking* Church: That better have been in your bucket! Caboose: I’ll get the mop. Grif: Well you can forget it. You heard Sarge, there’s no way we’re letting you in the base dressed like that! Donut: Seriously, the blue and red thing is SO last year. Simmons: Well how about this? Grif: How did you change so fast? Simmons: I’ve always been a fast changer. I’m very shy. Grif: Is that why you wear your underwear in the shower too? Simmons: I also never use the bathroom at the base! Only at home. Grif: Dude, we’ve been stationed here for like three years! Simmons: Yeah… it’s gonna be a very eventful homecoming. Church: Andy, what the hell happened to Tucker on this little adventure that you guys took? Andy: How should I know? Caboose: He ate all my food and just threw it up. Could’ve just thrown it on the floor and cut out the middleman Church: Yeah, plus now he’s moody as hell. I went to ask him if he’s feeling better and he practically bit my goddamn head off. Caboose: I bet he just would’ve thrown up your head later. And then you could just put it right back on and be fine. Andy: He was fine on the trip. Maybe he’s just allergic to you. I know I get nauseous when I look at ya. Church: Did you guys come in contact with anything weird like any strange plants or animals? or like super flu viruses or pornstars? Andy: Oh yeah, there’s one thing I forgot to mention, we made it to a secret biological warfare lab run by pornstars! Tucker licked all the Petri dishes even though we told him not to. Then he got thirsty, so he drank everything in the test tubes! You think that had anything to do with it? Caboose: I’m pretty sure that didn’t actually happen, I would’ve remembered that part. Andy: Aw come on, you’re surprised he’s sick? I’ve never seen the guy wash his hands, not once! One time I saw him pick his nose in a pay phone! Church: I’m just worried man, who knows if this stuff is contagious? For all we know Caboose could be next! Wake up tomorrow morning, he’s throwing up, running a huge fever, next thing you know he’s bleeding out of his eyes as his internal organs are liquifying. And I’m gonna be the one that has to hold his hand while he screams himself to death… that’s not gonna be any fun. Caboose: I’m gonna go take a vitamin. Church: Oh, don’t bother, it’s too late for you anyway. We need to start thinking about me! Andy: Tell you what, send me in, and I’ll run cleanup. Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of everything. Church: Andy, I am not letting you blow up the base. Andy: Come onnnn, just a little explosion! Five, ten megatons tops! ALL your scary germs will be gone. Nothing left but the cockroaches. Germ-free cockroaches! Caboose: But then Tucker will be dead too. Andy: SEE! It’s the perfect plan. Church: No, but that does give me a good idea. Technically, you can’t get sick. So why don’t we send you in there to take care of Tucker? You can figure out what’s wrong and report back to us. Andy: I ain’t no nurse. I go in there, all you gonna get is an explosion. You want a medical diagnosis, go see a doctor. Church: What did you just say? Andy: I said you don’t need me, you need a doctor. Caboose: …please don’t do it. *Phone ringing* O’Malley: For the love of evil, someone get the phone! O’Malley: You fool! Can’t you see I’m busy with an evil plot! What do I pay you for? O’Malley: Oh shut up, you fool. You don’t even have a body. Doc: Why all this bickering? Can’t we all just get along? O’Malley: And answer the damn phone! O’Malley: You are far too sarcastic just to stay a head. Grif in Outro: What’s up, forever alone? So, uh, you wanna do something with your life or you wanna just sit around on your ass all day like a loser? Yeah, me too! So just subscribe and keep watching Youtube. It’s way easier.