It’s always wonderful when a successful and childless alumnus returns. It’s delightful how you take turns sniffing after my money. Now here’s a group that was established in 1909. I hate modern music! Tempo bar we love so well The Whiffenpoofs! I’ll buy you a new library if you have them killed. So many have tried to kill them. But other smug jackasses and white gloves would just take their place. We can’t be stopped Well, I am here to offer you money. I’d like to endow a Department of Nuclear plant management Wonderful! Of course we can’t do nuclear – our students are highly entitled wusses. You’d be creating a space for violence to happen. Huh. How about funding a chair on the non narrative cinema of self-identified pansexuals? What?! What? What?? What?? What?? We also need to hire more deans to decide which Halloween costumes are appropriate. Eight deans should do it. Is this still a coven of capitalism where evil money can acquire the patina of virtue? Yes, that’s in our charter, but with an issue as hetero patriarchal as nuclear power, we’ll have to hire multicultural empathizers, build a new safe space… Not so fast, we insist on a chair of anti-nuclear studies and a nuclear- neutral curriculum pathway. Absolutely, Teddy! We run all decisions past the squash team. Also the fencing team, water polo and handsome Dan the mascot. [mascot dog sounds] Release me, you hound. Oh yeah…. What’s happened to this place? Yeah? This was the home of ruthless media disruptor Samuel FB Morse! Who’s his successor? That fellow? Fellow?! That word is cisgender normative, okay? You’re worse than Hitler! Too late for flattery … I’m not giving this school a dime! The [Sally’s] have blended right in! We’ve got 12 productions of The Crucible going in the deepest Division III women’s lacrosse team the world has ever seen! Mm-Hmm. They’re perfect students in every way, and that’s their weakness. Bleep bloop bloop? I am a robot, too … my father was a toaster … He’s in bot-face! That’s unbelievably offensive! Microaggression! Cultural appropriation! Offensive! Offensive! Offensive! Dear Lord those teachers made them too human! You’ve ruined me! Well, not completely, I still have my health!