I write with my left hand.
I destroy with my right. Are you lefthanded?
I write lefthanded. It’s the only thing
I do lefthanded. That’s bizarre. Yeah.
You throw right-handed? Yeah.
That’s so weird. Really? What do you jack? Right. Can you do left, though? Yeah. Do you hold it like a pencil,
though? Nah, dude. I fucking jerk off.
I have a different release. Well, it’s BO staff day two,
here at The Bonfire. Has the energy changed? Yes. I think it has.
It feels a lot more secure. It’s the Bonfire [inaudible 00:00:38]. The Boakerson,
it works much better. I’ll tell you this,
You’re a BO staff guy. Me being a hatchet man,
also known as a tomahawk, I see why you like it. I think I use it more
for hiking and moving, but I think it’s your look
and I want to respect that … Put the BO staff right here.
I have it for security reasons. That was a real long journey
to say you don’t want to
hold the staff anymore. Nah, man. I was explaining why.
I’d understand you’d get upset. I’m going to put mine down too
Dan, because I don’t want to
intimidate everybody, ‘Cause you know how good my
skills with the BO staff are. I think [crosstalk 00:01:34]- I’ll put it down for you guys. ‘Cause I don’t want
to hold it anymore. Jay, listen. No, I’m committing
to the BO staff. Good, I hope you get
really sick of it. We have a phone call
coming later that this BO staff’s gonna
come in real handy with. By the way,
whoever’s on 35, fuck you. Fuck you 35. Fuck you 35. Who is it? NBC suck our dicks.
Fuck you. Your summer programming
is for shit. Use the stairs once in a
while you fucking assholes. Blow me.
[crosstalk 00:02:03] Suck a dick Univision.
Suck a dick. Sucko [inaudible 00:02:08] It’s Meryl Lynch It’s Meryl Lynch? Fuck you for bleeding
the middle class. Fuck you Meryl lynch.
Sub-prime mortgage rate, fucks. You guys ballooned it
and then took all that money. [crosstalk 00:02:21] That’s Meryl Lynch coming to exact revenge
on all of our nuts. On our financial nuts?
They hit you with the fee. Bad investments.
IRAs. You lost that in a rath fund. Suck our dicks Meryl Lynch. It’s the salacious hour. You asked me if I ever
filmed myself having sex. I responded quickly. Once, on an old digital camera
with my ex-girlfriend and then we watched it
and immediately… … bottom half
humping into her. I know, but even if. Our caller topic is if you have
any filming yourself Our caller topic is if you have
any filming yourself or someone fucking
and it just goes haywire- Not coming out. Or looking at the video and just
seeing how awful a thing was, my big revelation- You did a great joke about it. That was bad. Me on top of my ex-girlfriend,
who was so tiny- Didn’t you say it was
the Independence Day ship? The shadow came over?
Like in Independence Day? It was timely everybody, I’ve been doing comedy
for a zillion years. Ten years.
Everything’s ten years. Not ten years. You’ve been working here
for ten years. BO staffin ten years. I’ve been working
BO staffs for ten years. Everything I do now
is gonna be ten years. You know when like
a little kid hears something and they just hold on to it, they’re like two weeks,
two weeks. Everything for me now
is ten years. A44 comedy 9 is the number
to call in if you want to tell
your sex mishap story. Welcome to the salaticious. I filmed my girlfriend
blowing me from the top. Bad angle bud. Well that angle wasn’t great,
but it was okay. The pov. But I was like when I see
the video later, and this is like
Sony hand cam days. Dude that’s when you could
hear it move on those pov tapes, like Shane’s world.
Like oh yeah. This makes me happy to think
that I don’t know, that I don’t believe that
this would happen anymore at my size now,
but maybe it would. I don’t know. I always thought
she was an okay at blowjob, I don’t have a very big dick and she really couldn’t pin it,
you know what I mean. She couldn’t take it
all the way and her mouth, she could she
just wasn’t very good. And I always thought
she was just bad at it. When I filmed her from the side,
this poor girl, what I found out was,
that every time she goes to put my dick deeper
into her mouth, my stupid, fucking belly drills
her in the forehead. Oh man. So she’s getting knocked back
constantly. Oh no, its like trying to watch
a bird fly inside through a window. Thunk.
You’re like go around. Stop it. You’re killing yourself. Stop it please. Thunk. Thunk.
Thunk. I’m gonna get it. Thunk.
No stop it. No stop it.[crosstalk 00:06:01]
All over the window. Go sideways.[crosstalk 00:06:07] Yeah dude,
you don’t even realize, trying to go to the drinking
fountain in a neck brace. They really close it off. Is this, Lou, I have a question.
Cause this could be spelled. Duggan.
Is it? Dude, I swear to God
that’s the guy that I told you. I met him after a show
at the Punchline and he goes what’s up man
I’m Duggan. Who’s Duggan? I go, oh yeah, like Jays
joke in the elevator. Like you guys are going
to Duggans rager. And he goes what?
I was like nothing. It’s cool. It’s fucking Duggan.[crosstalk
00:06:47] Dug’s on the line. What’s the crackle Dug’s? What’s up Dug’s? Crackle, crackle boys. You driving the Gremlin? Tearing up the roads? Going down to RC’s
to fucking rip some bong, some bangers and have
some beers, total Duggan style. Just coming from work, Dan.
Heading home from work. Why you domesticated Duggan. You have an embarrassing sex
tape moment? Yeah. Did you almost just get
in a crazy accident? This mother fucker
will kill yeah. I was having sex
with this girl named Cheryl. Duggan? So the story goes is that
I’m allowed to go and film my wife giving me head. I can’t film her
having sex or anything. So I ask her to go
and put a little costume on, a little Halloween wig,
its Halloween time last year. And I ask her
if I can go and film it. She said yes, but no female
nudity, only male nudity. So I was okay with that. SO I went upstairs
into the bedroom, she had this really
sexy black wig on and this very nice thin dress and proceeded to do
all kinds of things to me. Got the camera phone out
and started to go and record it and I forgot
she had the wig on and went and grabbed her hair
and the fucking wig came off. I lost my shit
and dropped the camera and it was fairly embarrassing,
but funny story. You should have kept the camera
on her and said another name
as you pulled the wig. Where you went oh
this entire time you were… Can you play thins after
everyone’s story.[crosstalk 00:08:35] You ever take the wig off
and realize that role play
is much more, welcome to salacious phone
calls on the bonfire. [crosstalk 00:08:44]
Cause then you start laughing and you’re like well
we got to hang this up. That’s not good. Yeah and her hairs
all matted down from the wig. Well its always weird
when people nail the filming. Like that guy that
sent us clips of him double teaming that chick, like those were
professionally shot. [crosstalk 00:09:00] He sent us one video,
I didn’t see the butt video, but the video
that he sent of blowing you, dude is there like
a professional crew in there? Looked like he was sawing
her associated in two. I mean he was really like. But I’m saying like they had
like soft lighting. The camera crew
that’s filming us now has to come in her
and mat the lighting, so it looks not that bad. You know how much tissue
it takes to get this production
off the ground? A lot. A whole box of Kleenex. Lets take another one,
we have a Canadian caller. What do you think a Canadian sex
tape mishap could be Dan? On ice. Whenever its on ice. Yeah, they were at a.. And then she slipped on the ice. And she put her tooth
through my dick. Oh no, sorry. Marky Mark in Canada. What’s up buddy,
you’re on the bonfire. Awesome, how are you guys doing? Doing good. Doing real good. Listen to your show everyday. Thanks dude. Is everybody calling from
a field com in the middle of… Are you pinned down right now?
What’s going on? DO you need air support?
Are you out there? Give your location. Give your location,
you shoot the flare right now. Mark if you want us
to take out Charlie, you need us to fucking
let us know where you are. Also a shout out
to Sarah Mcpants, hashtag bonfires head counselor
for ten years. Ten years. Ten years. BO staff.
No man. Oh sorry. Geez Jacob,
Scorsese over here. Sorry we just got the style
that you like. Its BO staff day. BO staff. I’ll wave it
in front of my face.[crosstalk 00:10:32]
You’re lucky I just spared all your lives,
if you ever watched that clip. Sorry mark. Sorry Marky Mark. You and your ex
were gonna make a sex tape. Yeah, so I live up
in the oil industry in Ft.Mcmurray, Alberta. Hell yeah. So we got some pretty
trashy girls up here. Is that near Calgary? I’m going
to Calgary in two weekends. I believe its near Edmonton. Yeah, Calgary is 4 hours south
and I’m 5 hours north. Damn it.
Right in the middle huh? Canadian knowledge.
Alberta is a big province. Is it by Edmonton? Its in between Edmonton
and Calgary. Did you know that for real? Oh no, I’m north. 5 hours north. 5 hours north of Edmonton?
I didn’t know that at all. [crosstalk 00:11:17]
Dude its a total guess. You almost good face
to make crazy eyes, but you have a good face
to be like yeah idiot everyone knows that.[crosstalk
00:11:28] Dude that’s my fucking,
I was raised by a single mom. That’s how you got
out of everything. It was confidence.
My mom was like did you just eat three cookies
right off the sheet? Why would I do that? Told you we have rats in here. So anyways,
you’re in a desolate, well you’re in a remote town. Yeah up in where
we make all the oil. Hell yeah.
Fossil fuels are what’s up. Damn you are up there. We’re looking at a map
right now. Fuck. Yeah, way up there. Some guy rolled
his transport truck today and his excavator blew off
and blocked the highway. Same thing happened to me
on my block in Queens. Crazy. I’m just kidding.[crosstalk
00:12:11] Hopefully my ex
isn’t listening but. If she is, what’s up Marcy.
Shout out Marcy. Yo. So what happened? So I like to leave it like
the 80’s and go all bush. Jays a fan of that. She went down on me
at my parents place. You know we were
drinking and smoking. Well lets just say
she looks like her brother and when she had me
all the way in, looked like her brother
with a beard. That’s hilarious. But you weren’t
filming this right? This was just you
realizing that… Oh, his fucking dick hair is so long that
it made it look like… It made it look like
she had a goatee. Looked exactly like her brother? And then he popped
immediately.[crosstalk 00:13:09] Looked exactly like her brother
when he sucks my dick. Oh my God, you and your brother
have the same eyes when I’m all the way
down your throat. Weird. You both gag the same way do ya. Weird. Ya know that I don’t know
if its a family secret or not. Do ya? That’s weird, the gag reflex
must not be in your family. That’s a good mishap. If it was filmed. How about James in Texas? This sounds like,
this is juicier. This is pretty juicy.
Crackle, crackle buddy. What’s going on? It was Valentines Day
and I rolled out the red carpet, got the hotel room with
the rose petals and all that. What was the hotel? It was like a Ramada Inn.
[crosstalk 00:14:10] I like it, yeah dude
don’t let him knock ya. I’m a residence inn guy myself. The red carpet. Yeah there’s some
Southern homes, I don’t want to brag about
the wine we had but [crosstalk
00:14:19] Go big, get minis. Well that’s what
I’m talking about. I propped up the phone on the TV
and I recorded it. And I put it
in one of those apps that has like a photo
and video vault, so it when on the camera
or photo reel on the phone. Yeah, you went dark web with it. Yeah I had to go MI-6. You had to scramble the signal. Yeah, right. I ended up,
we gave that phone to her son, cause he had cracked his
and I had already upgraded and I guess we didn’t
delete the app off of it. So, he knew the passcode
and he saw it. And at first the video
is kind of, its like her on top and its just showing
like the balls and two asses and the gooch on me. The gooch. Aww man, your stepson
said full gooch. Yeah, but then about
seven minutes in I get up from drinking
fifteen whiskeys on, kinda hit it doggy style,
so I can get my rocks off and I had a blue pill
that night. Oh man, your Ivan Dragho’n it. You’re all fucking
jacked up on steroids. She comes, she comes. It wasn’t a pre-season game,
it was mid-season form. I was firing off the line, beer
gut, sweating down my chest. I love this dude. Just rammin’ his mom home and it definitely,
he’s a little bit of a shit and I’m kinda glad
that we broke up, so I guess. Oh fuck, how far after,
how long were you guys together? So her son,
this is not your kid? No, he was her son
and we lived together. How old was he? 15. Just saw you wrecking his mom. You caught him at a moment
where he is either one hell of an artist
or a needle drug user. Possibly both. Was his mom hot?
Was it something where his friends
would be blown away by that? Yeah, I mean she was definitly
one of the moms that you could rub one off to,
I mean, I guess back in the day, now you can get on the phone.
[crosstalk 00:16:36] Yeah they can see
some live shit. Maybe its not as prevalent now. I know what you’re talking about
though, like a nice 96 cleavage see. And then your like I’m gonna
go home and jerk off to this. Yeah those nice tits where
you can see the cupcake outline, kinda shows
you where it separates. Fake boobs. She have fake titties? You said mom with fake boobs. Yeah.[crosstalk 00:16:58] There’s been a lot of seeds
spilled in that region. Near that house
and in that friendship. That’s spilled a lot of seed.
And this really fucked him up, he’s gonna be into
some sick shit. I don’t know choking,
maybe getting beat up. Was his mom a real noise
maker in the video? Was she like losing it? Yeah, she was pretty happy
with the rose petals and all of the stuff
I surprised her with, so definitly put on
a performance that night. I fucking love this dude. I love this dudes
just blatant honesty. He goes, she appreciated
the rose petals, so she acted like
I took her to pound town. Is that the name of the file? Was it like slamsville,
population 1? And he’s like what’s slamsville?
Oh my God. Mom and Derrick, mom and James
are fucking getting banged out. James. James. I wish my son
did his homework work. This is mom lessons
while she is getting fucked. His manners need
to be worked on. I feel like that kid
either jerked off to it or he’s gonna become
a serial killer. Dude that’s, both of those
things fold into each other. James, it just plays
in his head. He goes, enjoy the phone
asshole as he’s leaving. I think this is what
he hears everybody just choose
a different tone and keep saying James
with us right now. Everybody, Lou, everyone.
[crosstalk 00:18:18] He goes I can’t stop the voices.
I can’t stop the voices and that’s why he became
an MMA fighter. And now I’m the light
heavyweight champion of the world. Everyone becomes James.
Sarah Mcpants. James, thanks so much
for calling in. Thanks you guys. Thanks for being
fucking hilarious. Yeah, fuck that kid. That guy is so goddamn funny.
Sometimes callers call in and your like, dude,
your funny dude. He’s like you know
I’m firing off the line. I’m like I wanna fucking
come off the wagon for this dude and just drink a six pack of
beer with James at a airport. I don’t wanna go nowhere. Have we ever officially talked
to our MMA fighter on the air? Dustin? I gotta organize that
or something, he’s gotta call in sometime. Our head of security
makes you call, but you’re talking about Dustin,
oh no the guy from Madison. Madison, yeah. Yeah he’s gotta call in. Well he said he wanted
to come in the studio. Might have to be like a, I remember what it was
he has to come in earlier for a pre-recording. Sarah Mcpants tweeting I’ve
made videos for my boyfriend when he’s away
and nothing makes you go from feeling horny to suicidal
faster than seeing yourself. Yeah that’s absolutely true
Sarah. I usually just fire,
I don’t ever put my face in it. You just come,
you send it to me. Yeah that’s it. Jay just wants to see
the shot that I deleted and then I curl up in a ball
and Mike tries to comfort me. I am all about the shot. The shot. All about the shot. Buckshot.
You wanna take our last break? Yeah, sure. We could do that. Come back we’ll talk
more sex tape mishaps. If we have ’em. They keep coming in. Oh buddy.
We’re lighting up. The lines are lighting up.
Call in with yours black Lou’s waiting to hear
your salacious filth. Ah dude, but yeah, I also
wanted this story is perfectly. Okay. That is salacious. Yeah it is another
salacious hour at the bonfire. We haven’t been here
for so long. We’ll be right back everybody,
bonfire. Before we take the call
I just want to basically say what I think is being said here.
And I want Kevin from Texas to essentially give me
a one word answer here because this makes me so,
this has been making me laugh. Dude, goddamn it Lou. You can’t die of a fake
asthma attack, you’re too goddamn good.
But you were saying, this call has been making you
laugh on the call screen. Just how Lou wrote it up, and I hope this is
the right answer here. It says, and just say yes if I’m right about
what’s being described here, unless I’m wrong. Kevin says he made a sex video
with an ex, showed it to co-workers
bragingly, I’m assuming. Not knowing that one of
the co-workers was her cousin. Yes, please say that’s a yes. Kevin is that the answer? Yes. Dude, that is awesome. How great is that, you just go, your bragging,
you go look at that. He goes, you wish
you had titties like that. He goes, my cousins titties,
you mean? Dude that’s a heart shoots
in your fucking tonsils. That’s brain on the wall. [crosstalk 00:21:17]Why
is it getting cold in here? You think about hitting the
cousin, just to do something. He goes, aww man just check out
this pig, that was her ankles
behind her ears, he goes that’s my baby cousin.
What Jerrod? I took care of her
after her mom died. You son of a bitch. She’s more like a sister
than a cousin. That’s fucking crazy. Now he can’t go to HR
with anything. He’s getting bullied
at work.[crosstalk 00:21:45] He goes my jaw
is wired shut. Things got weird.
That’s fucking… Have you been, how long did
you work with the guy after? DO you still work with him? We worked together for like
a year and a half and me and one of my other co-workers
we got an apartment together and my bedroom
had a little mirror. The closet had two mirrors
on the doors. You’re a sensual man. The same co-worker was like
oh man you should give yourself, you know the porn star thumbs up
while you’re hitting it. And so that’s what I did.
And I was showing him the video and then he said that’s
my fucking cousin man. What I like is its his idea.
I like that its the dudes idea, he goes heres what you do,
super fucking awesome. Your banging a chick
you Patrick Bateman her. You film it, show it to me,
oh my God. That’s what he’s saying, I told him how to fuck
his cousin, not knowing it was his cousin. That’s exactly what I’m saying.
[crosstalk 00:22:41] I had no idea, because, yeah no.
I knew the chick about a year. Buddy promise me one thing, you will shove your thumb
in the next pigs butt that you fuck.Oh my God,
that’s my baby sister Melissa. Little Laurie. No. I saved her from a well.